I'm Nowhere Close To A Poet

Tell me of a time when I was loved unconditionally…
Well that’s slightly impossible cuz no one’s ever cherished me.
I know I’m only a child, at the tender age of ten
But I live in an orphanage and have never been adopted.
My parents didn’t die in a tragic accident or were unable to care for me,
They decided that I was not what they wanted and of their love, I was unworthy.
They sent me to this hell hole, where they thought I’d be accepted
But being here has only made me feel tormented.
All the other little girls hate me with a passion
They tell me I’m not pretty enough and have no sense of fashion.
All the teachers here feel completely different.
They say I have a gift, unlike others. They call it magnificent.
I don’t do anything special, I just go about my day.
I always follow the rules and listen to what the adults have to say.
All the nuns here at the orphanage wonder why I’m still around
Because all the parents who have viewed me said that they would only b proud…
To have such an adorable little girl who was as obedient as could be.
She barely ever asks for much and she rarely makes a peep.
But the nuns don’t know that with the parents I always beg and plead
To leave me at the orphanage and find another child to fit their needs.
One may wonder why I do such a thing, but it’s really very clear…
Since my parents didn’t want me or love me, I will forever live with that fear,
That again I will be with people who don’t love me for the way I am
And will abandon me like once before and will be crushed and never be able to feel love again.

idk... i wrote this last summer at some point in under 10 minutes. it's OBVIOUSLY rough cuz as the title states: "i'm nowhere close to a poet". i'm not sure what the poem's supposed to mean. just take it as it is.

Word Vomit

i'm just gonna vent... don't try to stop me

it'll be incoherent and random, but i'll understand

i'm at a point where i don't understand. i feel like there's something wrong with me, when i know perfectly well there isn't. maybe i'm wrong though. would someone like to set the record straight for me?

i can't seem to find a sense of purpose in my life as of this moment. doesn't mean there isn't one, just dunno what it is. maybe it'll hit me soon. i need to figure out my life. get my shit together.

i lost a friend today because i did something right. he made it out that i was at fault though. doesn't seem right, does it? i wonder if he'll ever come to forgive me for something that he knows in his heart shouldn't have been made into as huge of a deal as it was. you tell me i love drama? i'll tell you straight up i don't. i HATE conflict. i wasn't called the gentle giant for no reason when i was younger (fyi i didn't like that nickname).

it seems to me that i'm gonna end up being alone forever. i can easily find a guy to ask "hey wanna hook up?" but NEVER "wanna go out sometime?" i'm seriously gonna end up being a fucking cat lady, but instead of cats i'm gonna have ferrets or turtles or hedgehogs or something (i don't like cats). i wonder how many other people out there feel or have felt the way i do now. some may say you're young, you don't know what you want. but i honestly know that i would like someone to call my own. the people i do find are douches or end up ultimately wanting something i don't feel they've earned aka sex. i guess i can try to hold out and keep telling myself there's someone out there for me, but it doesn't feel like it. not at all. i always have such high hopes for guys, that i get increasingly more attached to them each one because i want them to be it. you'd think it'd be the opposite because of all the letdowns i've had, but i don't know. i don't seem to work that way. trust me... i really wish i did.

so quite the rant (although i know i'm capable of more), but maybe i won't have as many pent up things i wanna say so i can stick to just one subject.